Gay hiking

Oral Roberts Student Rulebook Forbids Homosexuality, Hiking, Dancing, and More

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As Oral Roberts has become the darling of the NCAA Tournament, many of us have wondered what exactly an Oral Roberts is. Sounds like an extremely ancient toothpaste maker OR the nickname of a man-child known for his foreplay prowess. As in “Here’s Oral Roberts, doing his jaw exercises again.”

Turns out it’s neither. Oral Roberts is (obviously) a college in Tulsa, Oklahoma. It was founded by televangelism pioneer Oral Roberts, and it sports a student conduct manual that will have you thanking the Lord for going to another college.

Some highlights:

Certain behaviors are expressly prohibited in the scriptures and should therefore be avoided by members of the University community. They include theft, lying, dishonesty, gossip, slander, backbiting, blasphemy, vulgarity (including foul language), sexual promiscuity (including adultery, any homosexual behavior, premarital sex), drunkenness, modesty of dress and occult practices… Students who disobey these university rules expose themselves to automatic suspension.

Nothing would make me happier than putting the canceled crowd on the scent of Oral Roberts. Maybe they’re protecting themselves by phrasing it as “should be avoided by members of the university community”. But banning homosexual behavior on a college campus in 2021 sounds like a BIG, BIG deal. If we cancel Dr. Seuss, we should probably protest Oral Roberts. Just my opinion though. I won’t pretend to understand the order of culture undo operations.

PS- little historical note that bears relevance: Oral Roberts’ eldest son, Ronald Roberts, committed suicide in 1982 six months after coming out as gay.

Horse game:

It is forbidden to use skateboards or throw balls in the areas of the residence halls… Scooters, roller skates and in-line skates are not permitted anywhere on University property. Water balloons and devices for throwing water balloons are strictly prohibited on campus.

No balls thrown in the halls of residence? No skateboards? It’s not a college; it’s a birdcage. Also, specifying that water balloons are prohibited seems very specific. Something tells me this was a recent addition, which means there must have been a HORRIFIC incident with a water balloon recently. A hard way to punch your ticket to hell.

Impiety:

Profanity is strictly prohibited. Its use subjects the student to disciplinary sanctions.

Let’s hope they don’t imitate any member of their prized basketball team. Something tells me these guys aren’t yelling “ah shit!” in the painting.

Social Dance:

The ORU administration acknowledges that opinions vary among Christians as to the propriety of social dancing. However, the following official University policy has been established: social dancing is not permitted on campus…

Earth to Oral Roberts: Footloose called and wants their plot back. Can you imagine going to college and not being allowed to DANCE? And how about the religious warning acknowledging that social dancing is a polarizing topic among Christians. Do they think that softens the blow? Barely. If anything, knowing that there are plenty of Christians who have no problem with dancing should make it all the more unpleasant that this prison of old, conservative ideals chooses to ban it.

Then there are very vague guidelines that seem hard to follow:

Personal health:

Sstudents who engage in behavior considered unhealthy or potentially harmful to themselves or others may be subject to disciplinary action and possible suspension from the University.

Picking a scab is unhealthy behavior. The same goes for seven consecutive hours of Fifa. To go to bed late. Eat ice cream. I mean where is the line here?

It’s my favourite:

The University will not officially sponsor activities that may endanger the lives of its students. High-risk activities, such as canoe Kayakboat trips, rafting, water skiing, rock climbing, cliff diving, hang gliding, bungee jumping, caving and rock climbing/Trek are forbidden.

Canoe? Trek?!?!?!? Did I read correctly? IS HIKING PROHIBITED?

I hope the basketball team makes it to the last four, just so someone can shed some light on the absurd restrictions this team has succeeded against. That would be a hell of a 30 for 30: the most underdog basketball team in the world.