I am a gay submissive with a 15 year old nephew. By his actions and his words, his parents and I understood that he could be gay, which is absolutely not a problem. However, we also recently discovered that he seems to be interested in D/s themes, with him as the sub.
Besides the occasional veiled comments and sketchy online searches, he also described situations where he convinced other boys to subtly dominate him, both in vanilla ways and in other decidedly more borderline ones. We take care to teach him about healthy boundaries and appropriate behaviors, but I have an additional problem with all of this: as a gay submissive, I was a bit of a failure. I haven’t had any lasting relationships. I have never found a man who wanted me as both a partner and a slave. I know there are success stories out there – subs with partners and families – but I’m not one of them.
I want to be a good gay uncle, but honestly, I’m an objectively poor role model. If this is the path he ultimately takes, I want him to be safe, happy, and loved. But I don’t know how to do this so I’m advising from my own collection of saddo experiences. No suggestions?
good hearted uncle
“By emphasizing the importance of consent, UGH is already doing the most important thing,” said Hadrian Temple, a mainstream gay leatherworker, blogger, and erotica author. “UGH’s nephew needs to know that he has the right to say no to any form of gambling that he feels uncomfortable with. He also needs to know that until he has agreed to some sort of exchange of power with a potential Dom, they interact as equals. He doesn’t have to start obeying the Dom until he agrees to start obeying, and he can withdraw his consent to any time and stop the play.
You should also tell your nephew that “convincing” other boys to “subtly dominate him” is unethical. If these boys don’t realize what your nephew does – and what they do for your nephew – they haven’t consented to play D/s games with him. And just as your nephew wants to avoid bad Doms lurking on the other end of sketchy online research – and any adult Dom willing to play with a 15-year-old boy is by definition evil and untrustworthy – your nephew must avoid to be a bad/scary/manipulative sub.
“And besides, pushing vanilla guys to dominate him isn’t a great long-term strategy for finding a Dom,” Temple said. “One of the hardest things for novice subs to understand is that vanilla guys don’t like to be dominant – if they did, they wouldn’t be vanilla. Of course, there are guys who don’t realize they’re naughty until a sub comes along, but he shouldn’t assume that every hot guy he likes is a potential dominatrix In most cases, trying to “convert” guys vanilla is a waste of time.”
While exploring his sexuality with an age-appropriate partner who shares your nephew’s inclinations would be safer, more appropriate and legal, finding someone his own age who is not only gay but also attracted to him and who dominating someone – and someone who in turn attracts your nephew – is a tall order. Instead of looking for someone to play with right now, a much better and less frustrating use of your time would be reading, thinking, fantasizing, and masturbating about your flaws.
As to whether your nephew needs to know about your saddo experiences…
“In a way, it doesn’t matter if UGH is a ‘bad role model’ when it comes to long-term relationships,” Temple said. “He can still give good advice to his nephew without going into sad or sordid details. He can answer questions and promise not to judge. And UGH shouldn’t assume he’s a bad sub — or a bad role model — because he hasn’t found a long-term pervert partner. There are many reasons why a sub may not have met the right Dom, and only a few of those reasons really boil down to being a bad sub. Most kinksters think there are more subs than there are Doms, so there are good subs that couldn’t get the mate they deserve, because the Dom-to-sub ratio is distorted.
While problems can make it harder to find a mate, being vanilla — or pretending to be vanilla — doesn’t guarantee someone a mate. Just as there are plenty of happily married kinky people (some partnered with people who aren’t kinky), there are plenty of 100% vanilla people who are sadly single.
To get the perspective of a young submissive, UGH, I shared your question with Gimpboy95, a 26-year-old gay sub in Chicago. (Gimpboy95 is his handle on Instagram, and that’s how he wanted to be identified in the column.) It wasn’t too long ago that Gimpboy95 was your nephew: another perverted, inexperienced gay teenager. scouring the internet for information, porn and hookup.
“There are sleazy/sketchy people, sure, but there’s also a lot of good,” said Gimpboy95, who had his first sexual experiences at age 18. “UGH’s nephew can do his research, figure out what he likes, and ultimately find his community, just like me. And finding a community is, in my opinion, absolutely crucial.
Finding community means making kinky friends, not just matching kinky sex partners.
“Having a shoulder or a boot to lean on has helped me tremendously,” said Gimpboy95. “So once UGH’s nephew is old enough, he shouldn’t be afraid to come forward, and not just on the internet. Meeting other people from the kink community at local events that were open and acceptors – whether their identity is kink-centric or kink is more of a hobby – has truly been the most rewarding part of my journey.
Follow Hadrian’s Temple on Twitter @HadrienTemple, and check out his blog and erotica at gaybdsmfiction.blog. Follow Gimpboy95 on Instagram @Gimpboy95.
I have a vagina and have been happily married to someone with a penis for 15 years. In general, I’ve always liked banjo players more than harmonica players: Honestly, cunnilingus doesn’t suit me. I’m just bored. It’s been like that for as long as I can remember. In fact, the only way to reliably cum is to finger myself, although getting fingered by my partner is great too.
Over the past year my partner has really taken up cunnilingus. He spends a lot of time there. Are there any tricks or toys that can make me less boring so I can stay in the mood?
Bored of eating voraciously man
Let him play the harmonica while you pluck that banjo.
I’m a lesbian in my thirties located in SF. I have been in a fairly healthy relationship with my partner for three years. During the quarantine, sex became less frequent and less exciting, and we discussed, but still no solution. I think we can turn things around, and I’m in love with her and see myself with her in the future, but I’d like to open up our relationship. I think we would appreciate and be excited about new perspectives.
On the other hand, I’m not sure it will make things any better. I spoke to him about it directly, but it never goes well. I have a solo work trip coming up, and I can’t help but think about how easy it is to have a one night stand and some fun, meaningless sex. I feel bad about it, but I also feel like it might help me figure things out. I brought up how I want to open our relationship, and she came up with the idea, but we didn’t come to a mutual agreement.
What can I do? I’m not sexually fulfilled and I can’t live like this forever. To help!
There is the right thing to do… which is to honor the monogamous commitment you made while continuing to be honest with your partner about your desire to renegotiate the terms of your commitment and slowly move towards openness you want while ensuring your partner feels safe, secure and prioritized every moment along what is likely to be a long journey, and one that may never get you to your desired destination. Then there’s the thing that a lot of people end up doing… which is having impulsive sex with a hiker on a business trip and then getting caught or confessing, creating the genre crisis that requires a rapid renegotiation of the terms of your engagement.
The first approach might never get you where you want to be – your partner might never agree to open the relationship – while the second approach will almost always (but not always) get you dumped.
You say things can’t go on forever. You are not sexually fulfilled, and it seems that you never will be, unless your partner agrees to open the relationship*. Since that’s the case, DL, you might opt for a variation of the right thing to do: demand a quick renegotiation without cheating. She’ll feel pressured, yes, but better to feel pressured than betrayed and under pressure.
* Not everyone in an open relationship is sexually fulfilled. Just say.
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